Teens in Chronic Pain

When the pain gets this bad, I feel like I’m trapped.

Physically, I’m confined to my couch or bed where I spend as much time as I can until my flare up starts to calm back down. Every movement is calculated and methodical in an effort to reduce the pain. I miss class. I have to take a sick day at work. My frozen peas become my best friend.

Mentally, the pain prevents me from really focusing on homework or tasks at work. My thoughts start to blur and I feel trapped in my current state of mind. I want to be productive and accomplish my set of tasks for the day. Yet, my body won’t let me. The throbbing pain takes over my mind and I feel reduced to a shell of the person I normally am.

Emotionally, I don’t want my friends to see me really hurting so I hide and I feel trapped in my need to isolate myself. I know I can express how I truly feel with my friends, but it can be hard to let them see that side of you. When the pain reaches such a high intensity, you feel vulnerable and very fragile. Your emotions are teetering on the edge and one little blast of wind will cause your emotional wall to come collapsing down. And when it does, you feel like an emotional mess. The hot salty tears come pouring down your face as you gasp for oxygen. You tightly hold on to your pillow for some source of comfort. It’s not a position you want your friends to see you in. It’s painful for you and you think of how awkward it must be for them. So you hide it. You cry when they’re not around. They will hear you complain about the pain, but they won’t see you cry out. And thus, you feel trapped.

Personally, it’s really hard when my pain flares up because I feel trapped in so many ways. Perhaps that is part of the reason why it takes so long for my pain to reach normal levels.

Beauty from Pain
by Superchick
Courtesy of ChristianRockLyrics.com

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I’ve diedAnd all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

This is a Call
by Thousand Foot Krutch
Courtesy of ChristianRockLyrics.com

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she’s so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it’s all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don’t understand her
She’s a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she’s so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this CHORUS
She’s calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I’m losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I’m asking you to show me what this life is all about

I remember listening to this song non-stop back in September of 2003. I had just had a minor surgery and then had a shingles outbreak around my incision. The pain was intense and so was the loneliness.

“And her friends don’t understand her
She’s a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart”

Those three lines of the song seemed to define me at that point in my life and spiritual journey. I felt like no one understood me and I grew bitter because of it. Emotionally, I was crumbling and literally falling apart. I’ve never cried so much in a span of one week in my life. I just kept crying out to Jesus telling him that “This is a Call.” I told Him that have lost it emotionally, mentally, and physically. My hazard signs are out. I need you Jesus.

I had to write an appeals letter to my insurance company after they denied my request for a medial meniscus transplant. I asked about seven friends and family members to proofread and edit my letter. Two of my friends said that my letter made them cry. Opening up my heart and trying to capture the pain, the tears, the suffering, the frustration I felt in my letter and then letting my friends read it was scary. What if they didn’t like what I said? Fortunately, they both liked the letter and were able to offer up useful constructive criticism.

I can tell that they have seen a new side of the life of agony that I have lived over the last four years and they were amazed. One of my friends told me about a dream she had where the two of us were jumping up for a tip-off at the start of a basketball game and I could only jump with one leg, yet I easily out jumped her. She said that was a metaphor for how she felt.

When she told me that, I felt like a fraud. Yes, my pain is bad, but there are so many people worse off. I felt like I was taking credit for what God has done in my life. I know that all I have been blessed with comes directly from the grace of God. He took me from a cocky, self-confident, proud student-athlete to a depressed shell of a person to an amazed, humbled, and very blessed girl. I feel like I have grown so much that it amazes me to see how I have matured over the years.

I want God to use me. This pain has been and is and will continue to be awful. But I want something beautiful to come of it. Whether it’s merely my growth as a Christian or inspiring others with a positive attitude or writing a book that encourages people to look to God for strength to overcome the adversity that lies ahead.

“…God blesses you who weep now, for the time will come when you will laugh with joy.” - Luke 6:21 (NLT)

“One of the most important gifts we in the health profession can offer our patients is hope, thereby inspiring in the patient a deep conviction that inner strength can make a difference in the struggle against pain and suffering.” - Dr. Paul Brand

My lowest points over the last seven years have come from moments when I had little to no hope. No hope that I’d be healed. No hope that I could live a life of glory or even a life of meaning. I felt worthless. Helpless. Lonely. Isolated. As I sunk deeper into depression, hope faded away from my mind and heart. I became negative, cranky, and angry with what I had become and then took that out on my friends.

Today, I still struggle with pain on a daily basis, but I’m happy and content with my life. How did a change of that magnitude happen? I believe it’s because I stopped asking God why He allowed this to happen. I started to trust Him and believe that He did, in fact, have a perfect plan for my life. I may never understand why I had to go through what I did, but I have hope that something good will come out of this suffering. I have hope that God will use me to help others. Faith and hope are what keep me going everyday.

I love Hebrews 11, which essentially describes the many people of faith in the Bible and how they faced trials and kept believing God’s promises despite the fact that they never saw his promises come to fruition.

Hebrews 11:1 - “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”

Hebrews 11:13 - “All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did ot receive what was promised, but they saw it from a distance and welcomed it.”

Hebrews 11:35b - “They placed their hope in a better life after the resurrection.”

I love those verses because they just remind me to keep the faith and believe that the future will be brighter. Whether the future comes tomorrow, a few years from now, or when I’m pain free in heaven.

Praise You in this Storm
by Casting Crowns
Courtesy of ChristianRockLyrics.com

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Beautifully Broken
by Ashlee Simpson
Courtesy of AZLyrics.com

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday I didnt know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow I may not get by
But I will try
I will try wipe the tears from my eyes

I am beautifully broken, I am beautifully broken
I am beautifully broken and I don’t care if I show it
[Repeats til end, and fades out]

My Immortal
by Evanescence
Courtesy of AZLyrics.com

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

[Chorus]

Broken
by Seether (featuring Amy Lee of Evanescence)
Courtesy of AZLyrics.com

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

You’ve gone away
You don’t feel me here anymore

Chris’ Letter
by Seventh Day Slumber
Courtesy of ChristianRockLyrics.com

I said that one day I’d be something and everyone would soon be proud of me
I’d sit and watch the day go by and think of all the things I’d like to be
So many of my dreams have gone and now
I’m left with only emptiness
There’s nothing that can make me better,
Nothing that can take away this pain

(Chorus)