Someone suggested that I watch the Larry King Live interview with the Chapman family. If you like to listen to Christian music, you will recognize the name of Steven Curtis Chapman. Sadly in May 2008, his son Will accidentally ran over his younger five-year-old sister Maria, who passed away en route to the hospital. It was a horrific accident and I can only imagine how hard it must have been on the entire family.

Well, they decided to go on Larry King Live to talk about the accident and how their faith helped them get through this troubled time. It was just under an hour interview and was truly inspiring. I actually started tearing up during portions of the interview. The strong faith displayed by not only the parents, but the three older children was amazing. You can view the first of six parts of the interview by clicking on this link.

In part four or five, Steven commented on something Caleb Chapman had told him earlier and it really stood out to me.

“When you stand too close to a mural, you don’t really get it. But as you step back, you see the bigger picture.”

This comment was in regard to how this tragic death seems completely awful and maybe even pointless when you stand too close to it, but if you step back and see the big picture you’ll find a reason for it. When you are going through a rough patch, it’s hard not to just stand too close. But it’s important to remind yourself that there is a bigger picture so try to take a step back.

Romans 12:12 - “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

If that doesn’t sound like the perfect daily to do list for a Christian with chronic pain, I’m not sure what is. I certainly believe that there are other verses in the Bible that offer more encouragement to chronic pain sufferers. However, this verse is one I need to be reminded of on a daily basis.

To Do List:
1) Rejoice in hope. Look for the silver lining and take delight in the blessings of life. Even if the outlook doesn’t appear to warrant it, we need to continue to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Proverbs 18:14 - “The human spirit can endure a sick body, by who can bear a crushed spirit?

2) Be patient in tribulation. When things are going poorly and you are hurting, you wish that it would pass right away, but life doesn’t usually happen like that and we need to learn to be patient without always trying to rush through life and its sour moments.

3) Be constant in prayer. Some of us only tend to turn to God when the going gets tough while others of us turn to Him only in the good times. No matter what (good or bad pain day), we should be praying fervently.

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Three days after writing what you just read, I had to actually stop, remind myself of the verse, and then apply it to my life. Today. I finally was able to read the final denial letter from the external insurance review board (you can read it here). I started crying about halfway through it and couldn’t stop for like an hour. But after talking to my wise mother, I calmed down and remembered how applicable this verse was. When you get bad news, particularly when it seems like one in a string of bad news, it’s a struggle to live out this verse but we still need to do it.

1) Rejoice in hope. Yes another girl got approval for the same surgery, but that gives me some leverage with the review board so there is still a chance at them overturning the decision.

2) Patient in tribulation. This is the hardest of the three for me. I just want them to correct their error right now, but unfortunately these things take time and just need to be patient and wait on God’s perfect timing.

3) Constant in prayer. Whether I’m venting, thankful, or simply confused, I need to voice my thoughts to Him. Constantly. Not just when the timing works for me or when I need something. Pray always!

What does that mean? I have no other avenues to turn to in terms of getting insurance to cover my surgery. As a result, I must raise $30,000 in the next 11 months if I want to have surgery next summer. Fortunately that’s a solid chunk of time, but it’s also a ton of money that needs to be raised. And I have a feeling people would be more receptive to financially assisting me if I was fighting a more serious problem like cancer, but it’s just a knee surgery and chronic pain is a more invisible health problem. Because of that, only my friends, family, and coworkers would truly understand the role pain plays in my life whereas the average bystander would look at me and likely see nothing wrong because I don’t openly showcase my pain (unless it’s a really bad day and I have to limp).

Yes, I cried tonight after learning the bad news. However, I’m determined to keep a positive attitude about it. If this surgery and the timing of next summer is truly God’s will and not just my desire, I will be able to get the $30,000. As such, I am completely putting my trust in God because I obviously don’t have $30,000 just sitting around. Hopefully, it will be very exciting to see what God has in store for me over the next 11 months and how I’m able to raise $30,000 (if that, in fact, happens).

Here are some verses I will be focusing on as I continue to pray and believe:

Ephesians 6:18 - Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

Matthew 21:22 - You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.

Romans 4:20-21 - Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21 He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises.

What do these verses tell me? Through prayer, I am joining my heart with His. I need to pray simply and wholeheartedly. I must pray because I believe it and expect God to fulfill his promises.

I am a well-organized individual who is goal-oriented and has experiences with fundraising. In addition, I’ve interned in public relations so I will hopefully be able to market and promote my fundraising efforts well. This goal of $30,000 will allow me to flex my creative muscles for the most important fundraising efforts of my life and I already have ideas streaming through my head. I will continue to post here with thoughts on chronic pain, but I will also document my effort to raise this large sum of money.

David, the man after God’s own heart, had a best friend named Jonathan, who was the son of Saul (the first king of Israel). After David had become king, Jonathan passed away. Jonathan left behind just one son (the others had also passed away) named Mephibosheth. He was lame in both feet and had such low self-esteem that he called himself a stray dog. [2 Samuel 9:1-13]

Because Mephibosheth was Jonathan’s son, David took care of him by giving him all the property that once belonged to Saul, and invited him to eat at the king’s table as if he were one of David’s own sons. Likewise, God is looking out for us and has glorious plans in store for us.

“For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11

It’s easy to get down on yourself, but I try to remember how much God loves me and it boosts my own self-confidence. Sometimes I forget just how much God truly loves me. And by forgetting that incredibly crucial fact, I allow myself to point ot my many flaws and imperfections. I look at how I don’t measure up and how so many of my peers are doing better at X and Y (even though I know I shouldn’t be comparing). I sometimes struggle to see why He loves me this much when He’s God, the creator of this amazing and incredibly intricate universe.

Verses that help remind me of His love for me…

Galatians 2:20 - “So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Ephesians 2:10a - “For we are God’s masterpiece…”

Psalm 139:13-18 - “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to [a] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.”

Matthew 10:29-30 - “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny[a]? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”

Luke 12:7 - “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Genesis 1:27 - “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them.”

So why do I ever feel inferior and question God’s love for me? Stupidity and human nature, I guess.

I have been doing better. The pain is still always there, but my attitude towards it has changed. Before, I would let the intense throbbing prevent me from participating in certain activities. I would use it as an excuse to withdraw into my own little world, which only further intensified my loneliness and pain. Lately, I’ve pushed past my pain determined that it wasn’t going to stop me from doing the things I truly care about.

My roommate from home came to visit in Chicago with her mom earlier this week. I was having a terrible pain day, but decided to overcome it. I chose not to discuss the pain with my friend. We walked over two miles along Lake Michigan and had a wonderful evening. Even though the knee killed by the time I got back to my room, it was worth it and the fact that I never brought it up to her made it even better.

It’s something I still struggle with. Last night and tonight, my knee was hurting and I decided to stay in instead of going out with my friends. As I sit here typing this post, I feel lonely. But why should I feel lonely? I had friends that I could have gone out with, but opted to stay in. It’s dumb reasoning on my part, but I guess emotions aren’t very rational.

When you deal with chronic pain, half of the battle is the emotional pain that accompanies it. It’s hard to explain what I mean exactly by that statement to those that have never dealt with the constant pain day in and day out for years. At first, you experience the anger of learning that you may live with this for the rest of your life. After that, it turned to loneliness and a brief period of depression where I hid from my friends, cried daily, and couldn’t see the light. By making a conscientious effort to see my friends and focus on things other than my painful situation, I was able to climb out of that dark valley. Sure there are days where it’s easy to see what’s wrong, but those days have thankfully become less and less frequent. Then it’s frustration. You have good days where you feel wonderful and new again. But then the following day, you feel like your body has betrayed you and you’ve taken a painful step back.

On another note…
Pain has been such a big part of my life for five years now and I find that I bring it up way too much. Why do I do that? Is it because I yearn for the attention? The sympathy from my friends and co-workers? Am I obsessed with this struggle? Is it simply because it’s such a huge piece of who I am and where I have come from?

I find it quite easy to talk about myself and I’ve told my knee story countless times. As such, I struggle with leaving it out. Why do I feel compelled to tell people about it? Certainly, it’s important to share it with my close friends and my small group because it is such a big part of my life. But it is totally not necessary to mention it to people I have just met. I need to work on keeping my mouth shut and only bringing it up when it’s important to do so.

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Christy Hammond, and I am a 21-year-old student attending the University of Michigan. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan recently denied my request for a medial meniscus transplant for my left knee, which my surgeon Dr. Frank Noyes believes will reduce my pain level by half. I am writing this letter to appeal to you and personally ask for you to please reconsider through the External Review Board.

While growing up in Michigan, I was the definition of a tomboy. I lived to play sports and was active around the clock and year round. Like many young kids, I wanted to become an Olympic sprinter. As I grew older, I soon realized that I would never be fast enough to achieve that dream. However, my love for the sport of track and field persisted. I ran the 100m dash and started the 4×100m relay in sixth grade and continued through tenth grade. As a freshman in high school, I took sixth place at regionals for my division.

In my sophomore year of high school (2003), I tore my ACL during the first hour of basketball tryouts. After a lot of hard work in rehab and countless hours in the weight room, I was able to return to my beloved sport. While my 4×100m relay team finishing fifth at regionals was certainly great, my proudest track accomplishment was actually improving my 400m time by nine seconds following my ACL reconstruction. Unfortunately, that race was my last one.

In the summer of 2003, my knee buckled while I was on vacation, and I was never able to run again. I do not know if I can ever accurately describe the emotional pain that I feel when I watch my friends and former teammates run. Running is such a beautiful joy that I miss terribly. When my surgeon told me that at the age of 17 it was unlikely I would ever run again, I cried and begged God to let me run again.

(more…)

One of the sentences she said in her brief talk stuck out to me. She said:

I have learned to walk not by my own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

That’s so simple, yet such a powerful statement at the same time. For the first few surgeries, I certainly tried to walk by my own strength and will. However, I finally learned that I could not do it myself. I needed Him to prop me up when the pain got bad and even when things started clicking during physical therapy. It can still be a daily struggle to rely fully on the strength of the Lord Almighty, but I try. Because if God is for me, than who could possibly be against me? It’s a great feeling to be confident and reliant on God’s strength and love.

A single, elegant sentence from Isaiah summarizes God’s point of view: “In all their distress he too was distressed.” God may have hidden his face, but that face was streaked with tears. - p. 96

As we saw with Jesus’ time on this earth, his heart was filled with compassion when he saw those ill and hurting. We see him take the time to heal many even when he was grieving over a friend’s death.

If I wonder how God views deformed or disabled people, I can watch Jesus among the crippled, the blind, and those with leprosy. If I wonder about the poor, and whether God has destined them to lives of misery, I can read Jesus’ words in the Sermon on the Mount. And if I ever wonder about the appropriate “spiritual” response to pain and suffering, I can note how Jesus responded to his own: with fear and trembling, with loud cries and tears. - p. 137-138

“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory.” - p. 173

By no means can we infer that our own trials are, like Job’s, specially arranged by God to settle some decisive issue in the universe. But we can safely assume that our limited range of vision will in similar fashion distort reality. Pain narrows vision. The most private of sensations, it forces us to think of ourselves and little else.

From Job, we can learn that much more is going on out there than we may suspect. Job felt the weight of God’s absence; but a look behind the curtain reveals that in one sense God had never been more present. - p. 264

My parents gave me the three paged letter saying that I was denied again and that I had two more options: appeal to an external insurance board or a civil lawsuit. We don’t know which step we will be taking next as we want to make sure that if we appeal to the board, that won’t eliminate the option to file a civil lawsuit if I’m denied once again.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this blessed and disappointed at the same time before. This morning, I had an absolutely amazing day at work and got to do some things no other Red Wings interns had gotten to do yet this year and I was in such a fantastic mood. I have been blessed with the gift of an internship that I absolutely love. But I’ve also been blessed with amazing family. My parents told me that they would do whatever it takes to get this surgery whether it’s appealing to the external board review, filing a civil lawsuit, or paying for the surgery themselves if all that falls through and my dad said he’d even be willing to sell his beloved ‘63 Corvette to help pay for my surgery (now that’s love!).

If my family ends up having to pay for it, money will be incredibly tight and we will all have to make some sacrifices. But I’m 21 years old with arthritis. I can’t stand or walk without pain. And biking, swimming, and using the elliptical are completely out of the question. If the other avenues fall through, I would have to wait 20+ years before I would be old enough for a knee replacement. And that’s why my parents are willing to make huge financial sacrifices to pay for that surgery. Hopefully, it will not get to that point because I don’t want to be a strain on my family and their budget.

Between the support of my family and all of my friends (including the many of you have sent words of support over the last month), I feel so incredibly blessed. At the same time, I feel so disappointed. It has been a very emotionally draining experience and it has now been almost four years since I first knew I needed this operation. I want so badly to be able to walk and stand with little to no pain that it is disappointing when you see insurance deny you this request three times. But I know that God has a wonderful plan for me so I will choose to focus on the blessings in my life rather than the disappointments.

“I will praise You in this storm…”
- Casting Crowns

“So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
- Galatians 2:20

Sometimes I forget how much God truly loves me. And by forgetting that incredibly crucial fact, I allow myself to point to my flaws and imperfections. I look at how I don’t measure up and how so many of my peers are doing better at X and Y (even though I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others). I sometimes struggle to see why He loves me this much when He is God, the creator of this amazingly and incredibly intricate universe.

“For we are God’s masterpiece.
- Ephesians 2:10a

I, Christy Hammond, am God’s masterpiece. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me so much that He sent his son to die for me! Despite the many things wrong with me, I am beautifully broken. Despite this, God still loves me. Me.

If Jesus was willing to die for me, I must be pretty special. If I’m pretty special, I need to recognize and honor that with my thoughts and actions. And if He’s done all this for me, why can’t I trust Him in this area of my life? He has done so much for me. He has blessed me in a variety of ways and has given me so much. He made this world. He made me. He makes sure the sparrows are fed so why am I struggling to put my complete trust in God about my knee insurance issue?

God, I want to trust you. I know you have a beautiful and wonderful plan for my life. Please allow me to trust in your plan even if it’s not the outcome I am hoping for.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
- Isaiah 40:31

By placing my trust and hope in God, He will support me and give me strength to get through this hard time.

“Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes.”
- Isaiah 30:20

God, what are you trying to teach me through this hardship?

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God! I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.”
- Psalm 42:5, 7-8

Even though the pain may seem to overwhelm my body and heart, God’s unfailing love encases me, encouraging me to pass this test.

“I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief…I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart. You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh…I am on the verge of collapse facing constant pain…Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.”
- Psalm 38:6, 8-9, 17, 22

You know the desires of my heart. You know that I long for a surgery to make this constant pain more bearable. Please let this arbiter approve the surgery if it’s your will. If not, please give me the insight and understanding as to why it’s not the correct path for me.

“Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding…Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take…Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.”
- Proverbs 2:3, 3:5-6, 8

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”
- Hebrews 11:1