Teens in Chronic Pain

Two weekends ago, the pastor at the church I attend while I’m spending the summer in Chicago talked about Romans 12 being a great guideline for us and how we as Christians should act whether it’s at the office, house, or elsewhere. For me, verse 12 stood out in particular.

Romans 12:12 - “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

If that doesn’t sound like the perfect daily to do list for a Christian with chronic pain, I’m not sure what is. I certainly believe that there are other verses in the Bible that offer more encouragement to chronic pain sufferers. However, this verse is one I need to be reminded of on a daily basis.

To Do List:
1) Rejoice in hope. Look for the silver lining and take delight in the blessings of life. Even if the outlook doesn’t appear to warrant it, we need to continue to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Proverbs 18:14 - “The human spirit can endure a sick body, by who can bear a crushed spirit?

2) Be patient in tribulation. When things are going poorly and you are hurting, you wish that it would pass right away, but life doesn’t usually happen like that and we need to learn to be patient without always trying to rush through life and its sour moments.

3) Be constant in prayer. Some of us only tend to turn to God when the going gets tough while others of us turn to Him only in the good times. No matter what (good or bad pain day), we should be praying fervently.

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Three days after writing what you just read, I had to actually stop, remind myself of the verse, and then apply it to my life. Today. I finally was able to read the final denial letter from the external insurance review board (you can read it here). I started crying about halfway through it and couldn’t stop for like an hour. But after talking to my wise mother, I calmed down and remembered how applicable this verse was. When you get bad news, particularly when it seems like one in a string of bad news, it’s a struggle to live out this verse but we still need to do it.

1) Rejoice in hope. Yes another girl got approval for the same surgery, but that gives me some leverage with the review board so there is still a chance at them overturning the decision.

2) Patient in tribulation. This is the hardest of the three for me. I just want them to correct their error right now, but unfortunately these things take time and just need to be patient and wait on God’s perfect timing.

3) Constant in prayer. Whether I’m venting, thankful, or simply confused, I need to voice my thoughts to Him. Constantly. Not just when the timing works for me or when I need something. Pray always!

I haven’t posted on this blog in over two months, which is ridiculous when I think of it. I can list off the excuses from work to moving to Chicago for the summer to a variety of other factors, but that’s crap. If I truly believed that this issue was important, I’d find the time to blog about this topic. While I certainly believe this issue of young adults living with chronic pain is critical, I certainly have not acted on this belief. And I apologize to those of you who have come across this blog over the past month.

I have been doing better. The pain is still always there, but my attitude towards it has changed. Before, I would let the intense throbbing prevent me from participating in certain activities. I would use it as an excuse to withdraw into my own little world, which only further intensified my loneliness and pain. Lately, I’ve pushed past my pain determined that it wasn’t going to stop me from doing the things I truly care about.

My roommate from home came to visit in Chicago with her mom earlier this week. I was having a terrible pain day, but decided to overcome it. I chose not to discuss the pain with my friend. We walked over two miles along Lake Michigan and had a wonderful evening. Even though the knee killed by the time I got back to my room, it was worth it and the fact that I never brought it up to her made it even better.

It’s something I still struggle with. Last night and tonight, my knee was hurting and I decided to stay in instead of going out with my friends. As I sit here typing this post, I feel lonely. But why should I feel lonely? I had friends that I could have gone out with, but opted to stay in. It’s dumb reasoning on my part, but I guess emotions aren’t very rational.

When you deal with chronic pain, half of the battle is the emotional pain that accompanies it. It’s hard to explain what I mean exactly by that statement to those that have never dealt with the constant pain day in and day out for years. At first, you experience the anger of learning that you may live with this for the rest of your life. After that, it turned to loneliness and a brief period of depression where I hid from my friends, cried daily, and couldn’t see the light. By making a conscientious effort to see my friends and focus on things other than my painful situation, I was able to climb out of that dark valley. Sure there are days where it’s easy to see what’s wrong, but those days have thankfully become less and less frequent. Then it’s frustration. You have good days where you feel wonderful and new again. But then the following day, you feel like your body has betrayed you and you’ve taken a painful step back.

On another note…
Pain has been such a big part of my life for five years now and I find that I bring it up way too much. Why do I do that? Is it because I yearn for the attention? The sympathy from my friends and co-workers? Am I obsessed with this struggle? Is it simply because it’s such a huge piece of who I am and where I have come from?

I find it quite easy to talk about myself and I’ve told my knee story countless times. As such, I struggle with leaving it out. Why do I feel compelled to tell people about it? Certainly, it’s important to share it with my close friends and my small group because it is such a big part of my life. But it is totally not necessary to mention it to people I have just met. I need to work on keeping my mouth shut and only bringing it up when it’s important to do so.

I was sitting in church listening to that week’s “Slice of Life” speaker, Sarah, as she was talking about the pain of overcoming a serious motorbike accident that resulted in a major leg surgery. She couldn’t do most things she used to be able to do and nine months later is finally starting to return to some activity.

One of the sentences she said in her brief talk stuck out to me. She said:

I have learned to walk not by my own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

That’s so simple, yet such a powerful statement at the same time. For the first few surgeries, I certainly tried to walk by my own strength and will. However, I finally learned that I could not do it myself. I needed Him to prop me up when the pain got bad and even when things started clicking during physical therapy. It can still be a daily struggle to rely fully on the strength of the Lord Almighty, but I try. Because if God is for me, than who could possibly be against me? It’s a great feeling to be confident and reliant on God’s strength and love.

This past weekend, I was able to go on New Life Church’s CORE leadership retreat. It was a great 24 hours praising God, listening to some great talks, and talking/playing games with these wonderful people. I was also able to get away for almost an hour and a half and just collect my thoughts and go over some of the things that the pastors had said. Here is what I wrote during that hour and a half (and they all relate to my chronic knee pain in terms of self-confidence and trusting God through this hardship), which is why they are being posted here)…

“So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
- Galatians 2:20

Sometimes I forget how much God truly loves me. And by forgetting that incredibly crucial fact, I allow myself to point to my flaws and imperfections. I look at how I don’t measure up and how so many of my peers are doing better at X and Y (even though I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others). I sometimes struggle to see why He loves me this much when He is God, the creator of this amazingly and incredibly intricate universe.

“For we are God’s masterpiece.
- Ephesians 2:10a

I, Christy Hammond, am God’s masterpiece. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me so much that He sent his son to die for me! Despite the many things wrong with me, I am beautifully broken. Despite this, God still loves me. Me.

If Jesus was willing to die for me, I must be pretty special. If I’m pretty special, I need to recognize and honor that with my thoughts and actions. And if He’s done all this for me, why can’t I trust Him in this area of my life? He has done so much for me. He has blessed me in a variety of ways and has given me so much. He made this world. He made me. He makes sure the sparrows are fed so why am I struggling to put my complete trust in God about my knee insurance issue?

God, I want to trust you. I know you have a beautiful and wonderful plan for my life. Please allow me to trust in your plan even if it’s not the outcome I am hoping for.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
- Isaiah 40:31

By placing my trust and hope in God, He will support me and give me strength to get through this hard time.

“Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes.”
- Isaiah 30:20

God, what are you trying to teach me through this hardship?

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God! I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.”
- Psalm 42:5, 7-8

Even though the pain may seem to overwhelm my body and heart, God’s unfailing love encases me, encouraging me to pass this test.

“I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief…I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart. You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh…I am on the verge of collapse facing constant pain…Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.”
- Psalm 38:6, 8-9, 17, 22

You know the desires of my heart. You know that I long for a surgery to make this constant pain more bearable. Please let this arbiter approve the surgery if it’s your will. If not, please give me the insight and understanding as to why it’s not the correct path for me.

“Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding…Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take…Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.”
- Proverbs 2:3, 3:5-6, 8

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”
- Hebrews 11:1

I was reading a chapter/meditation from the book Peace in the Storm by Maureen Pratt about the sting of unkind remarks. In this chapter, she described how she asked an employee at a service shop to carry a computer to her car. He asked where she was parked and she told him where her car was (in a handicap spot behind the store). The employee immediately told her she couldn’t park there despite the fact she had a handicap placard. He glared at her while saying she wasn’t disabled. She wanted to get mad, but knew that’s not how God would want her to react. She managed to calmly explain to his supervisor that she had Lupus, which like a serious heart condition or asthma, her disability was internal.

I have had numerous similar situations and can’t say I acted as calmly and appropriately as Maureen. I remember one time I had just parked my SUV in a handicap spot and started walking towards my college dorm. A gentleman in his 40s came up to me accusing me that I shouldn’t have parked there because I’m not disabled and I don’t have a placard. In a frustrated tone, I told him that I did, in fact, have a placard and pointed to my car. I then pulled up my sweatpant leg and pointed to the scars on my knee. I retorted that I had had 9 knee surgeries and had been in chronic pain since 2003. Not surprisingly, the man didn’t apologize and just walked away. I was angry for the rest of the day. In fact, I was actually shaking right after that because I couldn’t believe someone had the nerve to say something like that when my pain was such a constant and hard experience in my life.

Had I responded in a better way like Maureen did, I’d bet that the gentleman would have apologized and probably would have gone away having learned something. I also bet he probably wouldn’t ask anyone else about why they parked in a handicap spot. Instead, he walked away angry. I had a chance to act Christlike and completely blew it. I was angry and short with him instead of remaining calm.

When you’re in a lot of pain and especially having a bad pain day (like I was that day), it’s easy to get emotional and allow the anger to overtake you. I just need to remind myself not to respond to his unkind and harsh words with similar anger, but to be Christlike in my response and try to control my anger in these kinds of situations.

“A mild answer calms wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” - Proverbs 15:1

I hope that if another similar situation in the future arises, I will act more like Maureen and ultimately more like Christ.

I am currently reading the book by Lee Strobel entitled The Case for Faith, a journalist investigates the toughest objections to Christianity. There are eight objections he looks at and the first one was “Since evil and suffering exist, a loving God cannot.” It was a great chapter, which I’d highly recommend reading. I am going to include my favorite quotes from the text below and then answer the discussion questions, which were in the text immediately following this first chapter.

“I commissioned George Barna, the public-opinion pollster, to conduct a national survey in which he asked a scientifically selected cross-section of adults, ‘If you could ask God only one question and you knew he would give you an answer, what would you ask?’ The top response offered by 17 percent of those who said they had a question, was: ‘Why is there pain and suffering in the world?’”
- p. 29

I have read the book by Philip Yancey, Where Is God When It Hurts?, which addresses that very question. I’ve read the book twice now and have learned something new in both reads. Understandably, I think it makes sense why that question would be the most common one to want to ask God. Pain and suffering hurts and at times, it can be hard to imagine a loving God who would allow suffering and pain in this world.

“I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good, but not everyone actualizes that potential. Not all of us learn and benefit from suffering; that’s where free will comes in.”
- p. 45

Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft and author of Making Sense Out of Suffering then goes on to say in his interview with Strobel:

“And if he did that [being involved in the act of creating a world of suffering] and then just sat back and said, ‘Well, it’s your fault after all’ - although he’d be perfectly justified in doing that - I don’t see how we could love him. The fact that he went beyond justice and quite incredibly took all the suffering upon himself, makes him so winsome that the answer to suffering is -” Kreeft’s eyes darted around the room as he search for the right words. “The answer,” he said, “is…how could you not love this being who went the extra mile, who practiced more than he preached, who entered into our world, who suffered our pains, who offers himself to us in the midst of our sorrows? What more could he do?” … “God’s answer to the problem of suffering is that he came right down into it.”

Just earlier this week, I reflected on how God took on suffering for us and how he can empathize with the pain we are going through. The thing is, he never had to do that but he chose to do so because he loves us that much. Isn’t that just a great feeling to know that the Creator of this amazingly intricate universe came and took on that incredible burden of suffering for us because his love is that great?

Discussion Questions
Strobel included four questions at the end of the chapter for discussion. Today, I only have time to answer the first question, which really contains four questions itself.

“How have difficulties, challenges, and even pain shaped your character and values? How are you different today as a result of the problems you’ve had to face in life? Can you ever imagine thanking God someday for how suffering has molded you? Kreeft said, ‘I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good.’ Was that true in your case?”

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, my character and values have been widely shaped by trials and tribulations resulting in pain. I grew up in a Christian household with amazing parents and attended a Christian private school up through eighth grade so a lot of my moral values have originated from that background. However, I would say that I have been shaped since first hurting my knee in eighth grade. Overall, I am more disciplined, humble, kind, compassionate, thankful, reliant on God, and just a “better person” because of the trials I have gone through. I am not at all saying I am perfect. In fact, I have a long ways to go in that department because I make mistakes on a daily basis. I believe I would’ve gone down a much different road in my life had I not gone through so many knee surgeries and then started dealing with chronic pain. I have learned a lot from my pain and suffering. While it certainly hasn’t been pleasant, it has taught me a lot of things about myself and even who my true friends were. In fact in Hebrews 5:8 (NLT), the Bible tells us that even Jesus himself learned through suffering.

“Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”

Could I ever imagine thanking God someday for my suffering? Yes. As crazy as it sometimes feels to say it, I already do at times. When I’m in the midst of a big flare up, I can’t say I am actively thanking God for the pain. However, it some of my better moments when my mind is the most clear, I can look back and reflect on the journey I have come on so far. My suffering has changed me and I think for the better. So for that, I would have to thank God for doing so in my life.

I most definitely believe that all suffering contains some opportunity for good. Yes suffering sucks, but good can come out of it whether it’s inspiring someone else with how you live despite the pain or its a positive change in your life or your life just taking a different path than it otherwise would have without the moment of suffering. Take for example a favorite athlete of mine, Lance Armstrong. In his 20s, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that had spread to his lungs and even his brain. Before his diagnosis, Lance was a top professional bicyclist with a great future ahead of him. While fighting cancer, he thought he might die and thus never be able to ride again. Fortunately for us, he was able to beat cancer. In fact, cancer re-shaped his body in a way that better suited him for the sport of cycling. He went on to win a record seven straight Tour de France titles. He used his newfound fame to start the Lance Armstrong Foundation and LiveStrong. LiveStrong became an inspirational mantra for people everywhere (not just cancer patients) and he has sold over 50 million wristbands. Now that he has retired, he has taken his fight against cancer national in trying to raise money for research as well as trying to pass legislation increasing research funds among many things. Lance never would’ve had such a successful career or foundation had it not been for his moment of intense suffering. While Lance’s story may be an “extreme” case of the good that can come out of suffering, I truly believe that there is an opportunity for good in every person’s pain and suffering.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I want to mention a few things I am thankful for on this holiday.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”
- Psalm 100:4-5

“This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.” - Hebrews 4:15 (NLT)

God has been there. He knows what it is like to live on this Earth in human form. What it’s like to face temptations. What it’s like to face pain both emotional and physical. He suffered through the worst form of execution - crucifixion. Yet unlike us, he did not sin. He remained perfect. So when I pray, I know that I am praying to a God who understands because he’s been through more than I will likely ever have to go through.

Every page of the Gospels hammers home this crucial principle: God knows how you feel. From the funeral to the factory to the frustration of a demanding schedule. Jesus understands. When you tell God that you’ve reached your limit, he knows what you mean. When you shake your head at impossible deadlines, he shakes his, too. When your plans are interrupted by people who have other plans, he nods in empathy. He has been there. He knows how you feel.”
- Max Lucado / In the Eye of the Storm / p. 34-35

In his last year on Earth, Jesus was…

What gets to me the most is a passage from Matthew 26:36-39,

Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over to pray.” He took peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little further and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

If that doesn’t sound like someone hurting emotionally and scared of the impending suffering, I don’t know what is. In fact Christ was in such emotional agony, he actually started sweating blood.

For more detail of the physical pain Christ faced, check out this article written by a physician.

“When you don’t feel well, it is very easy to be oppressed by illness, to be a victim to pain, infection, financial overload, and a life spiraling downhill. Sometimes you don’t have the energy or strength to fight all of the negative emotions that can assail you and wear you down.”
- Peace in the Storm by Maureen Pratt (p. 157)

Is that true or what? On some bad pain days, I find it incredibly hard to stay positive and not let my mind wander toward those negative thoughts. Usually, a phone call to my mother will help put things in perspective as she reminds me of a happy moment in the past or the great things God has in store for me down the road. Yes, it’s easy to play victim and say poor me, but God has blessed us with so much. We need to focus on the beautiful scenery of life and less on the small bumps on the road called life.

When the pain gets this bad, I feel like I’m trapped.

Physically, I’m confined to my couch or bed where I spend as much time as I can until my flare up starts to calm back down. Every movement is calculated and methodical in an effort to reduce the pain. I miss class. I have to take a sick day at work. My frozen peas become my best friend.

Mentally, the pain prevents me from really focusing on homework or tasks at work. My thoughts start to blur and I feel trapped in my current state of mind. I want to be productive and accomplish my set of tasks for the day. Yet, my body won’t let me. The throbbing pain takes over my mind and I feel reduced to a shell of the person I normally am.

Emotionally, I don’t want my friends to see me really hurting so I hide and I feel trapped in my need to isolate myself. I know I can express how I truly feel with my friends, but it can be hard to let them see that side of you. When the pain reaches such a high intensity, you feel vulnerable and very fragile. Your emotions are teetering on the edge and one little blast of wind will cause your emotional wall to come collapsing down. And when it does, you feel like an emotional mess. The hot salty tears come pouring down your face as you gasp for oxygen. You tightly hold on to your pillow for some source of comfort. It’s not a position you want your friends to see you in. It’s painful for you and you think of how awkward it must be for them. So you hide it. You cry when they’re not around. They will hear you complain about the pain, but they won’t see you cry out. And thus, you feel trapped.

Personally, it’s really hard when my pain flares up because I feel trapped in so many ways. Perhaps that is part of the reason why it takes so long for my pain to reach normal levels.