Teens in Chronic Pain

Earlier this week, my 32-year-old cousin passed away. I didn’t see him very often each year and we weren’t close, but his death profoundly impacted me in a way I never would have anticipated. I have been extremely blessed in that my cousin is the closest person to me who has passed away. I have yet to lose a friend, parent, sibling, aunt/uncle, or grandparent. For that, I am incredibly thankful. But my first real brush with death in the family got me thinking about death, a morbid topic to discuss for sure but something that should not be taboo.

I am not afraid of death. While the act of dying does seem daunting, death itself does not scare me. I know many people who are terrified to die, but I’m not one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and am grateful for the many blessings God has bestowed upon me. However, life with chronic pain hurts not only physically but mentally and emotionally. It’s a very hard road and the thought of being in heaven where there is no pain or tears sounds delightful to me.

Luke 6:21 - “God blesses you who weep now, for the time will come when you will laugh with joy.”

It’s hard to picture life without the intense, throbbing pain in my knee or life without tears to remind you of the emotional pain lying within. But when I picture heaven, I see myself laughing a lot, praising God for the new lease on life, and running around — maybe even skipping — treasuring my healthy “body.” As much as the thought of life after death can boggle the mind, I get excited thinking about that day when I can run again and I don’t feel that pain.

Funerals are typically sad. You mourn the loss of a family member or friend and wonder what life would be like if he or she was still there. You think about the things you wanted to  say, but never did. You regret the things you did say, but wish you had never said.

While at my cousin’s visitation, my mom pulled my brothers and I aside and said that she didn’t want something sad like this. If she went home to be with our Father, she wanted us to celebrate her life on earth and the fact that we would soon see her again in a much better place. She wanted us to play songs like Celebrate and Shania Twain music. It reminded me of the time that I had attended my high school friend’s grandmother’s visitation. No tears were seen as the group of people celebrated and honored her time with them and they recounted the many great memories they had of this incredible woman.

Every death is tragic and sad, but I hope that whenever it is my time to leave, people will see it as a time to celebrate my life. I want people to picture me laughing and running around for the first time since 2003 and know that while I miss them all, I am much happier in heaven where I’m not hurting or crying.

I understand that my family and friends will likely be sad about my death, whenever it may happen. But I sincerely do want my visitation and funeral to be a celebratory event. I want people to celebrate my arrival in heaven — that I’m no longer in pain and with my Maker. I want bright colors — hot pink, turquoise, white, etc. — adorning the room. I want upbeat music played during the visitation — maybe even a funky techno mix — that will help create the desired mood in the room. I want pictures with me and my family and friends.

I want my favorite verse prominently displayed: “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart.” [Psalms 73:26] I want the pastor speaking at my funeral to use it as an opportunity to witness to those who are not yet Christians in the audience. I want those in attendance to know why I smiled so much and why I was filled with joy in spite of the daily pain and suffering. I’m not the type of person who will go up to people and start talking about Jesus. I prefer to witness through my actions, but I want my funeral to finally be the place where it is made clear, once and for all, why I was so smiley and happy. I want people to know that God’s love and endless support were the only reasons I made it through a short bout of depression and into a productive life at college. He was the only way I could see above all the pain and have hope that there was something more and a chance to one day be pain-free.

Hopefully, this all will be a very long time coming and people will be able to say that I lived a long, happy life and it was simply time for her to finally go home and meet her Father. But even if I don’t live to see 25, get married or have kids, I want everyone to know that I lived a wonderful life. Despite the rough patches in my life, I was happy. God blessed me with two fantastic parents who have given me so much — love, support, care, financial assistance, etc. He gave me two brothers that I simply adore and treasure. My friends are amazing people and I feel so lucky to have them in my life. I have two wonderful internships that challenge me and make me enjoy going to work every day.  I am beyond blessed and no matter when it is my time to go, please know that I loved life and that I thanked God every day for the many blessings he bestowed upon me.

I watched House this week and it impacted me more than I thought it would. This week’s patient attempted to commit suicide due to intense chronic pain, which is what got him into the hospital and Dr. House treating him.

Most of all, the episode scared me.

The shots of Dr. House having a bad pain day - popping more Vicodin than normal, rubbing his leg in a certain manner, etc. It was eerily all too familiar.

Chronic pain can be exhausting. Whereas acute pain is intense and awful, you know it’s short lived. It may last a month or a little long after surgery, a couple days, few minutes, or even seconds. Chronic pain just keeps coming. A new wave hits every day and sometimes it makes you gasp for air.

You have a good week or two, maybe a good month, and you start to think that you’re getting better. And then that bad pain day comes and packs a punch that leaves you immobilized. You cry. You question. You hurt.  You wonder how much longer you can take all of this.

Like the patient in the episode, people doubt your sanity. They say the pain is all psychological. No one can hurt that much. You’re just faking it to get your hands on the narcotics. You’re doing it for the attention.

No, I’m not. I don’t have handicap parking because I’m lazy and have a doctor that could sign for one. I have permanent handicap parking at the age of 21 because I hurt. Every day. Every minute of every waking hour. I wake up in the morning and it throbs. Sometimes I have to ice my knee after I get out of the shower. I may smile and laugh. I do enjoy life in spite of the pain. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there. That doesn’t mean my life is perfect or it only hurts when you see it. You only see it when the pain gets too bad where I can’t hide it.

You crack jokes about my use of narcotics to quell the pain. You probably secretly judge me for taking it so much. While I smile and laugh at your joke, I cringe inwardly. I don’t want to take narcotics. The stronger you take, the more it messes with your system. The stigma sucks. But it’s the only thing that I can rely on to help lower the pain. Ice and medication are the only things that take the edge of the pain. I have to numb it. But it doesn’t take it away. I’m so tolerant to the medicine now that it simply makes the pain less intense.

I shouldn’t complain - my life is wonderful and others have pain and health conditions much worse. But House just reminded me how fragile life is and I eerily saw myself in his actions and that, in and of itself, is a bit scary.

My Mom’s birthday is tomorrow and I bought the perfect card to describe my relationship with my mother. As a teenager and now college student dealing with chronic pain and 10 surgeries, she has been my support system through all the bad and my cheerleader during the good times. For that, I will always be grateful.

Moms Make Everything Better:

You’ve had a bad day or a terrible night,

And you don’t have the strength to stand up and fight.

You want to give up. Life is awful, all right.

But who really cares? It’s your mom.

Your heart just got broken. You’re feeling alone,

With more angst and sadness than you’ve ever known,

So you take a deep breath and pick up the phone.

Who’s always there? It’s your mom.

You’re so overwhelmed. There’s just too much to do.

It feels like the whole world is leaning on you.

You can’t even imagine how you’ll ever get through.

Who’s by your side? It’s your mom.

You’re upset and confused - big decisions to make.

Which path to pursue? Which chances to take?

Would it be a smart move or an awful mistake?

Who’ll be your guide? It’s your mom.

Yes, all through your life, whatever you need

To make you feel better or help you succeed…

Some advice or a hug or a kind, thoughtful deed,

It’s always one hundred percent guaranteed:

Who loves you the most? It’s your mom.

Two weekends ago, the pastor at the church I attend while I’m spending the summer in Chicago talked about Romans 12 being a great guideline for us and how we as Christians should act whether it’s at the office, house, or elsewhere. For me, verse 12 stood out in particular.

Romans 12:12 - “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

If that doesn’t sound like the perfect daily to do list for a Christian with chronic pain, I’m not sure what is. I certainly believe that there are other verses in the Bible that offer more encouragement to chronic pain sufferers. However, this verse is one I need to be reminded of on a daily basis.

To Do List:
1) Rejoice in hope. Look for the silver lining and take delight in the blessings of life. Even if the outlook doesn’t appear to warrant it, we need to continue to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Proverbs 18:14 - “The human spirit can endure a sick body, by who can bear a crushed spirit?

2) Be patient in tribulation. When things are going poorly and you are hurting, you wish that it would pass right away, but life doesn’t usually happen like that and we need to learn to be patient without always trying to rush through life and its sour moments.

3) Be constant in prayer. Some of us only tend to turn to God when the going gets tough while others of us turn to Him only in the good times. No matter what (good or bad pain day), we should be praying fervently.

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Three days after writing what you just read, I had to actually stop, remind myself of the verse, and then apply it to my life. Today. I finally was able to read the final denial letter from the external insurance review board (you can read it here). I started crying about halfway through it and couldn’t stop for like an hour. But after talking to my wise mother, I calmed down and remembered how applicable this verse was. When you get bad news, particularly when it seems like one in a string of bad news, it’s a struggle to live out this verse but we still need to do it.

1) Rejoice in hope. Yes another girl got approval for the same surgery, but that gives me some leverage with the review board so there is still a chance at them overturning the decision.

2) Patient in tribulation. This is the hardest of the three for me. I just want them to correct their error right now, but unfortunately these things take time and just need to be patient and wait on God’s perfect timing.

3) Constant in prayer. Whether I’m venting, thankful, or simply confused, I need to voice my thoughts to Him. Constantly. Not just when the timing works for me or when I need something. Pray always!

I haven’t posted on this blog in over two months, which is ridiculous when I think of it. I can list off the excuses from work to moving to Chicago for the summer to a variety of other factors, but that’s crap. If I truly believed that this issue was important, I’d find the time to blog about this topic. While I certainly believe this issue of young adults living with chronic pain is critical, I certainly have not acted on this belief. And I apologize to those of you who have come across this blog over the past month.

I have been doing better. The pain is still always there, but my attitude towards it has changed. Before, I would let the intense throbbing prevent me from participating in certain activities. I would use it as an excuse to withdraw into my own little world, which only further intensified my loneliness and pain. Lately, I’ve pushed past my pain determined that it wasn’t going to stop me from doing the things I truly care about.

My roommate from home came to visit in Chicago with her mom earlier this week. I was having a terrible pain day, but decided to overcome it. I chose not to discuss the pain with my friend. We walked over two miles along Lake Michigan and had a wonderful evening. Even though the knee killed by the time I got back to my room, it was worth it and the fact that I never brought it up to her made it even better.

It’s something I still struggle with. Last night and tonight, my knee was hurting and I decided to stay in instead of going out with my friends. As I sit here typing this post, I feel lonely. But why should I feel lonely? I had friends that I could have gone out with, but opted to stay in. It’s dumb reasoning on my part, but I guess emotions aren’t very rational.

When you deal with chronic pain, half of the battle is the emotional pain that accompanies it. It’s hard to explain what I mean exactly by that statement to those that have never dealt with the constant pain day in and day out for years. At first, you experience the anger of learning that you may live with this for the rest of your life. After that, it turned to loneliness and a brief period of depression where I hid from my friends, cried daily, and couldn’t see the light. By making a conscientious effort to see my friends and focus on things other than my painful situation, I was able to climb out of that dark valley. Sure there are days where it’s easy to see what’s wrong, but those days have thankfully become less and less frequent. Then it’s frustration. You have good days where you feel wonderful and new again. But then the following day, you feel like your body has betrayed you and you’ve taken a painful step back.

On another note…
Pain has been such a big part of my life for five years now and I find that I bring it up way too much. Why do I do that? Is it because I yearn for the attention? The sympathy from my friends and co-workers? Am I obsessed with this struggle? Is it simply because it’s such a huge piece of who I am and where I have come from?

I find it quite easy to talk about myself and I’ve told my knee story countless times. As such, I struggle with leaving it out. Why do I feel compelled to tell people about it? Certainly, it’s important to share it with my close friends and my small group because it is such a big part of my life. But it is totally not necessary to mention it to people I have just met. I need to work on keeping my mouth shut and only bringing it up when it’s important to do so.

I was sitting in church listening to that week’s “Slice of Life” speaker, Sarah, as she was talking about the pain of overcoming a serious motorbike accident that resulted in a major leg surgery. She couldn’t do most things she used to be able to do and nine months later is finally starting to return to some activity.

One of the sentences she said in her brief talk stuck out to me. She said:

I have learned to walk not by my own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

That’s so simple, yet such a powerful statement at the same time. For the first few surgeries, I certainly tried to walk by my own strength and will. However, I finally learned that I could not do it myself. I needed Him to prop me up when the pain got bad and even when things started clicking during physical therapy. It can still be a daily struggle to rely fully on the strength of the Lord Almighty, but I try. Because if God is for me, than who could possibly be against me? It’s a great feeling to be confident and reliant on God’s strength and love.

This past weekend, I was able to go on New Life Church’s CORE leadership retreat. It was a great 24 hours praising God, listening to some great talks, and talking/playing games with these wonderful people. I was also able to get away for almost an hour and a half and just collect my thoughts and go over some of the things that the pastors had said. Here is what I wrote during that hour and a half (and they all relate to my chronic knee pain in terms of self-confidence and trusting God through this hardship), which is why they are being posted here)…

“So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
- Galatians 2:20

Sometimes I forget how much God truly loves me. And by forgetting that incredibly crucial fact, I allow myself to point to my flaws and imperfections. I look at how I don’t measure up and how so many of my peers are doing better at X and Y (even though I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others). I sometimes struggle to see why He loves me this much when He is God, the creator of this amazingly and incredibly intricate universe.

“For we are God’s masterpiece.
- Ephesians 2:10a

I, Christy Hammond, am God’s masterpiece. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me so much that He sent his son to die for me! Despite the many things wrong with me, I am beautifully broken. Despite this, God still loves me. Me.

If Jesus was willing to die for me, I must be pretty special. If I’m pretty special, I need to recognize and honor that with my thoughts and actions. And if He’s done all this for me, why can’t I trust Him in this area of my life? He has done so much for me. He has blessed me in a variety of ways and has given me so much. He made this world. He made me. He makes sure the sparrows are fed so why am I struggling to put my complete trust in God about my knee insurance issue?

God, I want to trust you. I know you have a beautiful and wonderful plan for my life. Please allow me to trust in your plan even if it’s not the outcome I am hoping for.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
- Isaiah 40:31

By placing my trust and hope in God, He will support me and give me strength to get through this hard time.

“Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes.”
- Isaiah 30:20

God, what are you trying to teach me through this hardship?

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God! I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.”
- Psalm 42:5, 7-8

Even though the pain may seem to overwhelm my body and heart, God’s unfailing love encases me, encouraging me to pass this test.

“I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief…I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart. You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh…I am on the verge of collapse facing constant pain…Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.”
- Psalm 38:6, 8-9, 17, 22

You know the desires of my heart. You know that I long for a surgery to make this constant pain more bearable. Please let this arbiter approve the surgery if it’s your will. If not, please give me the insight and understanding as to why it’s not the correct path for me.

“Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding…Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take…Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.”
- Proverbs 2:3, 3:5-6, 8

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”
- Hebrews 11:1

I was reading a chapter/meditation from the book Peace in the Storm by Maureen Pratt about the sting of unkind remarks. In this chapter, she described how she asked an employee at a service shop to carry a computer to her car. He asked where she was parked and she told him where her car was (in a handicap spot behind the store). The employee immediately told her she couldn’t park there despite the fact she had a handicap placard. He glared at her while saying she wasn’t disabled. She wanted to get mad, but knew that’s not how God would want her to react. She managed to calmly explain to his supervisor that she had Lupus, which like a serious heart condition or asthma, her disability was internal.

I have had numerous similar situations and can’t say I acted as calmly and appropriately as Maureen. I remember one time I had just parked my SUV in a handicap spot and started walking towards my college dorm. A gentleman in his 40s came up to me accusing me that I shouldn’t have parked there because I’m not disabled and I don’t have a placard. In a frustrated tone, I told him that I did, in fact, have a placard and pointed to my car. I then pulled up my sweatpant leg and pointed to the scars on my knee. I retorted that I had had 9 knee surgeries and had been in chronic pain since 2003. Not surprisingly, the man didn’t apologize and just walked away. I was angry for the rest of the day. In fact, I was actually shaking right after that because I couldn’t believe someone had the nerve to say something like that when my pain was such a constant and hard experience in my life.

Had I responded in a better way like Maureen did, I’d bet that the gentleman would have apologized and probably would have gone away having learned something. I also bet he probably wouldn’t ask anyone else about why they parked in a handicap spot. Instead, he walked away angry. I had a chance to act Christlike and completely blew it. I was angry and short with him instead of remaining calm.

When you’re in a lot of pain and especially having a bad pain day (like I was that day), it’s easy to get emotional and allow the anger to overtake you. I just need to remind myself not to respond to his unkind and harsh words with similar anger, but to be Christlike in my response and try to control my anger in these kinds of situations.

“A mild answer calms wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” - Proverbs 15:1

I hope that if another similar situation in the future arises, I will act more like Maureen and ultimately more like Christ.

I am currently reading the book by Lee Strobel entitled The Case for Faith, a journalist investigates the toughest objections to Christianity. There are eight objections he looks at and the first one was “Since evil and suffering exist, a loving God cannot.” It was a great chapter, which I’d highly recommend reading. I am going to include my favorite quotes from the text below and then answer the discussion questions, which were in the text immediately following this first chapter.

“I commissioned George Barna, the public-opinion pollster, to conduct a national survey in which he asked a scientifically selected cross-section of adults, ‘If you could ask God only one question and you knew he would give you an answer, what would you ask?’ The top response offered by 17 percent of those who said they had a question, was: ‘Why is there pain and suffering in the world?’”
- p. 29

I have read the book by Philip Yancey, Where Is God When It Hurts?, which addresses that very question. I’ve read the book twice now and have learned something new in both reads. Understandably, I think it makes sense why that question would be the most common one to want to ask God. Pain and suffering hurts and at times, it can be hard to imagine a loving God who would allow suffering and pain in this world.

“I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good, but not everyone actualizes that potential. Not all of us learn and benefit from suffering; that’s where free will comes in.”
- p. 45

Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft and author of Making Sense Out of Suffering then goes on to say in his interview with Strobel:

“And if he did that [being involved in the act of creating a world of suffering] and then just sat back and said, ‘Well, it’s your fault after all’ - although he’d be perfectly justified in doing that - I don’t see how we could love him. The fact that he went beyond justice and quite incredibly took all the suffering upon himself, makes him so winsome that the answer to suffering is -” Kreeft’s eyes darted around the room as he search for the right words. “The answer,” he said, “is…how could you not love this being who went the extra mile, who practiced more than he preached, who entered into our world, who suffered our pains, who offers himself to us in the midst of our sorrows? What more could he do?” … “God’s answer to the problem of suffering is that he came right down into it.”

Just earlier this week, I reflected on how God took on suffering for us and how he can empathize with the pain we are going through. The thing is, he never had to do that but he chose to do so because he loves us that much. Isn’t that just a great feeling to know that the Creator of this amazingly intricate universe came and took on that incredible burden of suffering for us because his love is that great?

Discussion Questions
Strobel included four questions at the end of the chapter for discussion. Today, I only have time to answer the first question, which really contains four questions itself.

“How have difficulties, challenges, and even pain shaped your character and values? How are you different today as a result of the problems you’ve had to face in life? Can you ever imagine thanking God someday for how suffering has molded you? Kreeft said, ‘I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good.’ Was that true in your case?”

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, my character and values have been widely shaped by trials and tribulations resulting in pain. I grew up in a Christian household with amazing parents and attended a Christian private school up through eighth grade so a lot of my moral values have originated from that background. However, I would say that I have been shaped since first hurting my knee in eighth grade. Overall, I am more disciplined, humble, kind, compassionate, thankful, reliant on God, and just a “better person” because of the trials I have gone through. I am not at all saying I am perfect. In fact, I have a long ways to go in that department because I make mistakes on a daily basis. I believe I would’ve gone down a much different road in my life had I not gone through so many knee surgeries and then started dealing with chronic pain. I have learned a lot from my pain and suffering. While it certainly hasn’t been pleasant, it has taught me a lot of things about myself and even who my true friends were. In fact in Hebrews 5:8 (NLT), the Bible tells us that even Jesus himself learned through suffering.

“Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”

Could I ever imagine thanking God someday for my suffering? Yes. As crazy as it sometimes feels to say it, I already do at times. When I’m in the midst of a big flare up, I can’t say I am actively thanking God for the pain. However, it some of my better moments when my mind is the most clear, I can look back and reflect on the journey I have come on so far. My suffering has changed me and I think for the better. So for that, I would have to thank God for doing so in my life.

I most definitely believe that all suffering contains some opportunity for good. Yes suffering sucks, but good can come out of it whether it’s inspiring someone else with how you live despite the pain or its a positive change in your life or your life just taking a different path than it otherwise would have without the moment of suffering. Take for example a favorite athlete of mine, Lance Armstrong. In his 20s, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that had spread to his lungs and even his brain. Before his diagnosis, Lance was a top professional bicyclist with a great future ahead of him. While fighting cancer, he thought he might die and thus never be able to ride again. Fortunately for us, he was able to beat cancer. In fact, cancer re-shaped his body in a way that better suited him for the sport of cycling. He went on to win a record seven straight Tour de France titles. He used his newfound fame to start the Lance Armstrong Foundation and LiveStrong. LiveStrong became an inspirational mantra for people everywhere (not just cancer patients) and he has sold over 50 million wristbands. Now that he has retired, he has taken his fight against cancer national in trying to raise money for research as well as trying to pass legislation increasing research funds among many things. Lance never would’ve had such a successful career or foundation had it not been for his moment of intense suffering. While Lance’s story may be an “extreme” case of the good that can come out of suffering, I truly believe that there is an opportunity for good in every person’s pain and suffering.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I want to mention a few things I am thankful for on this holiday.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”
- Psalm 100:4-5