Teens in Chronic Pain

Earlier this week, my 32-year-old cousin passed away. I didn’t see him very often each year and we weren’t close, but his death profoundly impacted me in a way I never would have anticipated. I have been extremely blessed in that my cousin is the closest person to me who has passed away. I have yet to lose a friend, parent, sibling, aunt/uncle, or grandparent. For that, I am incredibly thankful. But my first real brush with death in the family got me thinking about death, a morbid topic to discuss for sure but something that should not be taboo.

I am not afraid of death. While the act of dying does seem daunting, death itself does not scare me. I know many people who are terrified to die, but I’m not one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and am grateful for the many blessings God has bestowed upon me. However, life with chronic pain hurts not only physically but mentally and emotionally. It’s a very hard road and the thought of being in heaven where there is no pain or tears sounds delightful to me.

Luke 6:21 - “God blesses you who weep now, for the time will come when you will laugh with joy.”

It’s hard to picture life without the intense, throbbing pain in my knee or life without tears to remind you of the emotional pain lying within. But when I picture heaven, I see myself laughing a lot, praising God for the new lease on life, and running around — maybe even skipping — treasuring my healthy “body.” As much as the thought of life after death can boggle the mind, I get excited thinking about that day when I can run again and I don’t feel that pain.

Funerals are typically sad. You mourn the loss of a family member or friend and wonder what life would be like if he or she was still there. You think about the things you wanted to  say, but never did. You regret the things you did say, but wish you had never said.

While at my cousin’s visitation, my mom pulled my brothers and I aside and said that she didn’t want something sad like this. If she went home to be with our Father, she wanted us to celebrate her life on earth and the fact that we would soon see her again in a much better place. She wanted us to play songs like Celebrate and Shania Twain music. It reminded me of the time that I had attended my high school friend’s grandmother’s visitation. No tears were seen as the group of people celebrated and honored her time with them and they recounted the many great memories they had of this incredible woman.

Every death is tragic and sad, but I hope that whenever it is my time to leave, people will see it as a time to celebrate my life. I want people to picture me laughing and running around for the first time since 2003 and know that while I miss them all, I am much happier in heaven where I’m not hurting or crying.

I understand that my family and friends will likely be sad about my death, whenever it may happen. But I sincerely do want my visitation and funeral to be a celebratory event. I want people to celebrate my arrival in heaven — that I’m no longer in pain and with my Maker. I want bright colors — hot pink, turquoise, white, etc. — adorning the room. I want upbeat music played during the visitation — maybe even a funky techno mix — that will help create the desired mood in the room. I want pictures with me and my family and friends.

I want my favorite verse prominently displayed: “My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart.” [Psalms 73:26] I want the pastor speaking at my funeral to use it as an opportunity to witness to those who are not yet Christians in the audience. I want those in attendance to know why I smiled so much and why I was filled with joy in spite of the daily pain and suffering. I’m not the type of person who will go up to people and start talking about Jesus. I prefer to witness through my actions, but I want my funeral to finally be the place where it is made clear, once and for all, why I was so smiley and happy. I want people to know that God’s love and endless support were the only reasons I made it through a short bout of depression and into a productive life at college. He was the only way I could see above all the pain and have hope that there was something more and a chance to one day be pain-free.

Hopefully, this all will be a very long time coming and people will be able to say that I lived a long, happy life and it was simply time for her to finally go home and meet her Father. But even if I don’t live to see 25, get married or have kids, I want everyone to know that I lived a wonderful life. Despite the rough patches in my life, I was happy. God blessed me with two fantastic parents who have given me so much — love, support, care, financial assistance, etc. He gave me two brothers that I simply adore and treasure. My friends are amazing people and I feel so lucky to have them in my life. I have two wonderful internships that challenge me and make me enjoy going to work every day.  I am beyond blessed and no matter when it is my time to go, please know that I loved life and that I thanked God every day for the many blessings he bestowed upon me.