Teens in Chronic Pain

I am currently reading the book by Lee Strobel entitled The Case for Faith, a journalist investigates the toughest objections to Christianity. There are eight objections he looks at and the first one was “Since evil and suffering exist, a loving God cannot.” It was a great chapter, which I’d highly recommend reading. I am going to include my favorite quotes from the text below and then answer the discussion questions, which were in the text immediately following this first chapter.

“I commissioned George Barna, the public-opinion pollster, to conduct a national survey in which he asked a scientifically selected cross-section of adults, ‘If you could ask God only one question and you knew he would give you an answer, what would you ask?’ The top response offered by 17 percent of those who said they had a question, was: ‘Why is there pain and suffering in the world?’”
- p. 29

I have read the book by Philip Yancey, Where Is God When It Hurts?, which addresses that very question. I’ve read the book twice now and have learned something new in both reads. Understandably, I think it makes sense why that question would be the most common one to want to ask God. Pain and suffering hurts and at times, it can be hard to imagine a loving God who would allow suffering and pain in this world.

“I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good, but not everyone actualizes that potential. Not all of us learn and benefit from suffering; that’s where free will comes in.”
- p. 45

Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft and author of Making Sense Out of Suffering then goes on to say in his interview with Strobel:

“And if he did that [being involved in the act of creating a world of suffering] and then just sat back and said, ‘Well, it’s your fault after all’ - although he’d be perfectly justified in doing that - I don’t see how we could love him. The fact that he went beyond justice and quite incredibly took all the suffering upon himself, makes him so winsome that the answer to suffering is -” Kreeft’s eyes darted around the room as he search for the right words. “The answer,” he said, “is…how could you not love this being who went the extra mile, who practiced more than he preached, who entered into our world, who suffered our pains, who offers himself to us in the midst of our sorrows? What more could he do?” … “God’s answer to the problem of suffering is that he came right down into it.”

Just earlier this week, I reflected on how God took on suffering for us and how he can empathize with the pain we are going through. The thing is, he never had to do that but he chose to do so because he loves us that much. Isn’t that just a great feeling to know that the Creator of this amazingly intricate universe came and took on that incredible burden of suffering for us because his love is that great?

Discussion Questions
Strobel included four questions at the end of the chapter for discussion. Today, I only have time to answer the first question, which really contains four questions itself.

“How have difficulties, challenges, and even pain shaped your character and values? How are you different today as a result of the problems you’ve had to face in life? Can you ever imagine thanking God someday for how suffering has molded you? Kreeft said, ‘I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good.’ Was that true in your case?”

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, my character and values have been widely shaped by trials and tribulations resulting in pain. I grew up in a Christian household with amazing parents and attended a Christian private school up through eighth grade so a lot of my moral values have originated from that background. However, I would say that I have been shaped since first hurting my knee in eighth grade. Overall, I am more disciplined, humble, kind, compassionate, thankful, reliant on God, and just a “better person” because of the trials I have gone through. I am not at all saying I am perfect. In fact, I have a long ways to go in that department because I make mistakes on a daily basis. I believe I would’ve gone down a much different road in my life had I not gone through so many knee surgeries and then started dealing with chronic pain. I have learned a lot from my pain and suffering. While it certainly hasn’t been pleasant, it has taught me a lot of things about myself and even who my true friends were. In fact in Hebrews 5:8 (NLT), the Bible tells us that even Jesus himself learned through suffering.

“Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”

Could I ever imagine thanking God someday for my suffering? Yes. As crazy as it sometimes feels to say it, I already do at times. When I’m in the midst of a big flare up, I can’t say I am actively thanking God for the pain. However, it some of my better moments when my mind is the most clear, I can look back and reflect on the journey I have come on so far. My suffering has changed me and I think for the better. So for that, I would have to thank God for doing so in my life.

I most definitely believe that all suffering contains some opportunity for good. Yes suffering sucks, but good can come out of it whether it’s inspiring someone else with how you live despite the pain or its a positive change in your life or your life just taking a different path than it otherwise would have without the moment of suffering. Take for example a favorite athlete of mine, Lance Armstrong. In his 20s, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that had spread to his lungs and even his brain. Before his diagnosis, Lance was a top professional bicyclist with a great future ahead of him. While fighting cancer, he thought he might die and thus never be able to ride again. Fortunately for us, he was able to beat cancer. In fact, cancer re-shaped his body in a way that better suited him for the sport of cycling. He went on to win a record seven straight Tour de France titles. He used his newfound fame to start the Lance Armstrong Foundation and LiveStrong. LiveStrong became an inspirational mantra for people everywhere (not just cancer patients) and he has sold over 50 million wristbands. Now that he has retired, he has taken his fight against cancer national in trying to raise money for research as well as trying to pass legislation increasing research funds among many things. Lance never would’ve had such a successful career or foundation had it not been for his moment of intense suffering. While Lance’s story may be an “extreme” case of the good that can come out of suffering, I truly believe that there is an opportunity for good in every person’s pain and suffering.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I want to mention a few things I am thankful for on this holiday.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”
- Psalm 100:4-5

“This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.” - Hebrews 4:15 (NLT)

God has been there. He knows what it is like to live on this Earth in human form. What it’s like to face temptations. What it’s like to face pain both emotional and physical. He suffered through the worst form of execution - crucifixion. Yet unlike us, he did not sin. He remained perfect. So when I pray, I know that I am praying to a God who understands because he’s been through more than I will likely ever have to go through.

Every page of the Gospels hammers home this crucial principle: God knows how you feel. From the funeral to the factory to the frustration of a demanding schedule. Jesus understands. When you tell God that you’ve reached your limit, he knows what you mean. When you shake your head at impossible deadlines, he shakes his, too. When your plans are interrupted by people who have other plans, he nods in empathy. He has been there. He knows how you feel.”
- Max Lucado / In the Eye of the Storm / p. 34-35

In his last year on Earth, Jesus was…

What gets to me the most is a passage from Matthew 26:36-39,

Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over to pray.” He took peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little further and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

If that doesn’t sound like someone hurting emotionally and scared of the impending suffering, I don’t know what is. In fact Christ was in such emotional agony, he actually started sweating blood.

For more detail of the physical pain Christ faced, check out this article written by a physician.

“When you don’t feel well, it is very easy to be oppressed by illness, to be a victim to pain, infection, financial overload, and a life spiraling downhill. Sometimes you don’t have the energy or strength to fight all of the negative emotions that can assail you and wear you down.”
- Peace in the Storm by Maureen Pratt (p. 157)

Is that true or what? On some bad pain days, I find it incredibly hard to stay positive and not let my mind wander toward those negative thoughts. Usually, a phone call to my mother will help put things in perspective as she reminds me of a happy moment in the past or the great things God has in store for me down the road. Yes, it’s easy to play victim and say poor me, but God has blessed us with so much. We need to focus on the beautiful scenery of life and less on the small bumps on the road called life.

When the pain gets this bad, I feel like I’m trapped.

Physically, I’m confined to my couch or bed where I spend as much time as I can until my flare up starts to calm back down. Every movement is calculated and methodical in an effort to reduce the pain. I miss class. I have to take a sick day at work. My frozen peas become my best friend.

Mentally, the pain prevents me from really focusing on homework or tasks at work. My thoughts start to blur and I feel trapped in my current state of mind. I want to be productive and accomplish my set of tasks for the day. Yet, my body won’t let me. The throbbing pain takes over my mind and I feel reduced to a shell of the person I normally am.

Emotionally, I don’t want my friends to see me really hurting so I hide and I feel trapped in my need to isolate myself. I know I can express how I truly feel with my friends, but it can be hard to let them see that side of you. When the pain reaches such a high intensity, you feel vulnerable and very fragile. Your emotions are teetering on the edge and one little blast of wind will cause your emotional wall to come collapsing down. And when it does, you feel like an emotional mess. The hot salty tears come pouring down your face as you gasp for oxygen. You tightly hold on to your pillow for some source of comfort. It’s not a position you want your friends to see you in. It’s painful for you and you think of how awkward it must be for them. So you hide it. You cry when they’re not around. They will hear you complain about the pain, but they won’t see you cry out. And thus, you feel trapped.

Personally, it’s really hard when my pain flares up because I feel trapped in so many ways. Perhaps that is part of the reason why it takes so long for my pain to reach normal levels.

Beauty from Pain
by Superchick
Courtesy of ChristianRockLyrics.com

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I’ve diedAnd all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

This is a Call
by Thousand Foot Krutch
Courtesy of ChristianRockLyrics.com

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she’s so strong
But she still sleeps with the light on
And she acts like it’s all right on, as she smiles again
And her mother lies there sick with cancer
And her friends don’t understand her
She’s a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart.
She knows, she’s so much more than worthless
She needs to find a purpose,
She wonders what she did to deserve this CHORUS
She’s calling out to you
This is a call, this is a call out
Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you
And I’m losing all control now
And my hazard signs are all out
I’m asking you to show me what this life is all about

I remember listening to this song non-stop back in September of 2003. I had just had a minor surgery and then had a shingles outbreak around my incision. The pain was intense and so was the loneliness.

“And her friends don’t understand her
She’s a question without answers
Who feels like falling apart”

Those three lines of the song seemed to define me at that point in my life and spiritual journey. I felt like no one understood me and I grew bitter because of it. Emotionally, I was crumbling and literally falling apart. I’ve never cried so much in a span of one week in my life. I just kept crying out to Jesus telling him that “This is a Call.” I told Him that have lost it emotionally, mentally, and physically. My hazard signs are out. I need you Jesus.

I had to write an appeals letter to my insurance company after they denied my request for a medial meniscus transplant. I asked about seven friends and family members to proofread and edit my letter. Two of my friends said that my letter made them cry. Opening up my heart and trying to capture the pain, the tears, the suffering, the frustration I felt in my letter and then letting my friends read it was scary. What if they didn’t like what I said? Fortunately, they both liked the letter and were able to offer up useful constructive criticism.

I can tell that they have seen a new side of the life of agony that I have lived over the last four years and they were amazed. One of my friends told me about a dream she had where the two of us were jumping up for a tip-off at the start of a basketball game and I could only jump with one leg, yet I easily out jumped her. She said that was a metaphor for how she felt.

When she told me that, I felt like a fraud. Yes, my pain is bad, but there are so many people worse off. I felt like I was taking credit for what God has done in my life. I know that all I have been blessed with comes directly from the grace of God. He took me from a cocky, self-confident, proud student-athlete to a depressed shell of a person to an amazed, humbled, and very blessed girl. I feel like I have grown so much that it amazes me to see how I have matured over the years.

I want God to use me. This pain has been and is and will continue to be awful. But I want something beautiful to come of it. Whether it’s merely my growth as a Christian or inspiring others with a positive attitude or writing a book that encourages people to look to God for strength to overcome the adversity that lies ahead.

“…God blesses you who weep now, for the time will come when you will laugh with joy.” - Luke 6:21 (NLT)

“One of the most important gifts we in the health profession can offer our patients is hope, thereby inspiring in the patient a deep conviction that inner strength can make a difference in the struggle against pain and suffering.” - Dr. Paul Brand

My lowest points over the last seven years have come from moments when I had little to no hope. No hope that I’d be healed. No hope that I could live a life of glory or even a life of meaning. I felt worthless. Helpless. Lonely. Isolated. As I sunk deeper into depression, hope faded away from my mind and heart. I became negative, cranky, and angry with what I had become and then took that out on my friends.

Today, I still struggle with pain on a daily basis, but I’m happy and content with my life. How did a change of that magnitude happen? I believe it’s because I stopped asking God why He allowed this to happen. I started to trust Him and believe that He did, in fact, have a perfect plan for my life. I may never understand why I had to go through what I did, but I have hope that something good will come out of this suffering. I have hope that God will use me to help others. Faith and hope are what keep me going everyday.

I love Hebrews 11, which essentially describes the many people of faith in the Bible and how they faced trials and kept believing God’s promises despite the fact that they never saw his promises come to fruition.

Hebrews 11:1 - “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”

Hebrews 11:13 - “All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did ot receive what was promised, but they saw it from a distance and welcomed it.”

Hebrews 11:35b - “They placed their hope in a better life after the resurrection.”

I love those verses because they just remind me to keep the faith and believe that the future will be brighter. Whether the future comes tomorrow, a few years from now, or when I’m pain free in heaven.